When I heard that U2 were giving us a new album for free I was so pumped I did 200 crunches. It’s a shame that it sucks ass, bro. And get this, the singer is called Boner.
The Miracle (Of Joey Ramone) starts off with all this, like, piano and shit. It’s hella gay. But then guitar comes in and it’s all, like, metal and shit? There ain’t enough though. There’s all this singing and I’m just here like, how the fuck do I work out to this shit if there’s no beat, y’know? And I’ve gotta say I don’t know who the fuck Joey Ramon-ey is but I bet I could beat him up if he’s got such a lame-ass song about him.
Every Breaking Wave is so fucking slow I nearly dropped my dumbbells. I was workin’ on my triceratops. Gotta work all the different muscle groups, brah. Gotta feel like your insides are like fish, goin’ up the waterfall to bone.
Yo, that’s deep as fuck. I’m gonna send it to Men’s Health.
California! That’s what I’m talkin’ about, man. Home of Arnold Sh… Sch… Shwar… Shwenungnguueer. Fuck you. You make fun of me ’cause I can’t spell but how much can you bench!? I can bench 220lbs easy, bro. Don’t fuck with me. I’ll fight you tomorrow.
Song for Someone sounds like a song for babies. Boner is talkin’ about wounds in his heart or some shit. Boo fucking hoo, man. Sweat it out, you pussy. Do 600 push ups. I’ll race ya.
Iris (Hold Me Close) is halfway through the goddamn album and nothing rocks yet. Goddamn. This doesn’t even get me juiced, dude. Fuckin’ Boner is just singing about his mom. Why don’t you fuck off back to England.
By the way, The Edge. you call that playing guitar? Why don’t you take lessons from some real guitarists like Eddie Van Halen, Richie Sambora or Slash. Probably ’cause those dudes will fuckin’ beat your ass for sucking so much at guitar. Pansy. You ain’t got any balls and that’s why you sing so high.
Are you gonna bring the rock, Volcano? No, you’re gonna clap your fuckin’ hands. Fuck you.
Raised By Wolves? I sure was, man! Raised by wolves in the fuckin’ woods. There’s all this stuff about bombs and shit which is great. But it’s got all this shitty piano and it’s like, you’ve got all this badass stuff you’re writing about but you’re putting it to this weak-ass music. More like fuckin’ Pissed On By Wolves, am I right? Bro? Bro? Am I right?
Cedarwood Road finally has some goddamn ROCK but they had to FUCK IT RIGHT UP with more FUCKING PIANO. How about you stop writing songs about trees you remember and start writing songs about badasses in, like, ‘Nam or some shit. And they’re all like, blam! blam! blam! kerplurrrzzkkkvvzzkk!, ya dig? I can write better songs.
So I’m here in ‘Nam
And I got a lotta guns
Got a flamethrower too
For settin’ dudes on fire
I killed five helicopters
Only half past breakfast
Armed with protein shakes
And a M-60 machine gun
Sleep Like a Baby Tonight, I fuckin’ will if you don’t stop writing such shitty songs. This sounds like some German shit. I don’t even know why we saved England in WW2 if they’re gonna turn around and suck German dick like this.
This is Where You Can Reach Me Now. I bet he’s talkin’ about gettin’ reach arounds from The Edge. It sure sounds like it. This goes into some Fire Island shit not even halfway through. It’s like, pretend to kick ass before you start sucking.
Boner, I don’t give a fuck about your Troubles. Why you gotta put this shit on my iPhone, bro. Fuck you.
Songs of Innocence? More like Songs of Dudes In Their Fifties Whining About Shit Nobody Fucking Cares About.