Review: Trousers

Just in case you didn't know what was where...
Just in case you didn’t know what trousers were.

My favourite trousers are not trousers nor are they meant for me – they are ladies’ jeans with a great big flare.

Why do I wear them? For some reason it’s far easier to get long-legged jeans in the lady section of the trouser department than it is in the area I have been assigned due to my sex.

They’re also really cheap.

The best thing about these jeans is the flare. I’ve never felt so fucking snazzy in my whole life. A walk to the corner shop for some milk is suddenly the coolest thing in the world. I have never been sad in these jeans… my whole life is a Bee Gees video.

Naturally, I’d be Lion-O Bee Gee.

My favourite pair of proper trousers belong to an £8 charity shop suit. The waist was a little large for me so I went to another charity shop the next day and bought some braces, ’cause my belt broke. They made me feel pretty authoritative – like I was a detective from the 1930s, keeping the scum off the streets.

It’s a good to keep yourself grounded in a special sort of reality when working in sales. I’d surely have lost the will to live otherwise.

Unfortunately, my trousers didn’t make it. One lunchtime I noticed that they’d split from arse to crotch, leaving me to walk like a penguin for the rest of my shift and all the way home. It was the saddest day of my life.

And only two days left 'till retirement...
And only two days left ’till retirement…

I work in a real job now, by the way, and I’ve yet to have a trouser accident. I believe that this makes me a successful adult.

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